Monday, March 16, 2015

Young adulthood

My blog still exists! wow! The last time i posted something on this blog was 4 years ago. It's funny how subjective time can seem to pass. For me, my high school days seemed that it had lasted for a very long time, with every piece of memory so significant and precious. Those 5 years felt like.. well 5 years. But looking back at my previous 4 years in university, time seemed to shrink, with days passing by in a routinely quick way, and sometimes when i tell people my age, a voice in my head will always say : wait what? Im that old already? I obviously wouldnt say it out loud because its something that irritates older people, and they would go all like : come on young man, youre only 23! I guess what im trying to say is that by the way things are going, i would spend my youth not doing things i would have wanted to when im 40.

 We keep on saying that. We keep on saying that there are "things" that you would regret not doing in your 20's, only to look back much later with regret. But what are those "things"? Vacations? Meeintg new people? Family? Love? Friendship? Knowledge? Skills? Degree? Achievements? What is it that i should do, in order to not waste my youth? I think this is a question a lot of young adults are facing, searching in the dark, inexperienced, trying to find meaning while being preoccupied with their occupation. For some, being good in their jobs can give them meaning. That they are competent, and they are making enough, hence being successful. But zoom out a little, and you'll find yourself questioning yourself whether we are really spending our time doing things we really want to do in life. I guess its always hard. Society wants us to be productive, to be part of a company, a firm, a hospital. To make ourselves useful if you dont want to starve. This naturally becomes the goal of our everyday routine. Motivation comes from reward, and in this case our motivation to work comes from being able to make enough so that we can live through everyday knowing that we will be well fed today, tomorrow, and days to come. But again, what is it that we really want? Can we find the meaning behind all of this, and work our way for that purpose simultaneously while pursuing our careers? That is the question.

 Maybe I havent been able to find that answer because I am lacking a specific aspect in my life. ?Love. oh yeah, the all so cliche 4 letter word. But indeed, having a partner and striving together with him/her could be such a drive. It gives purpose, everything makes sense. Its the missing puzzle, the key to the mystery. But I sometimes wonder. Is love really necessary in a person's life? Why is someone who spends their time alone (or with dogs and cats) viewed to be abnormal? I say this because its ridiculous to say that every couple who decides to wed are in love. Surely some or not! They just WANT to get married, to have someone because its about time they do so! Its the fear of spending their lives alone, of not having children to take care of them when theyre old. (yeap i am generalizing but you get my point) So instead of following the norm, what is so wrong with going with the flow, to not get married if you havent found someone you love? Or are we humans so emotionally weak that we cannot manage living a solitary life?

 I digress. This post was supposed to be talking about what i found out about love and being in a relationship. I have dated some and they have all ended. The recent breakup was with a girl who was quite a wife material. Funny, kind, caring, compromising(at times), pretty, hot, and all that. But eventually I found fault with a certain aspect of her which i didnt quite like, and didnt think i could put up with in the long run. Hence things ended. However, looking back, a part of me couldnt help but think whether its all an excuse? An excuse i use to cover up the fact that i just couldnt love someone. ?I am incapable of love. It has always been about me. I get a girlfriend. I got her. I am going to be his boyfriend. I will try to spend time with her this Friday. She's mad at me. She wants this from me. I have to do this and that to make her happy. She is wanting too much from me. I dont think i can handle this anymore. You see the problem? She is like an asset, a belonging, a new person that is going to make my life (and hers) happy. I have always put in effort in every relationship. But what I havent been doing is to try to be emotionally connected to that person. To think of us as one. One unit that will try to create a future together. Instead, she is just someone who is there to hang out with, to eat with, to watch movies together. She is the the puzzle piece that I think I HAVE to squeeze in my life just because having a puzzle with a missing piece would seem incomplete. I want to learn to love someone. But for now, im telling myself that i cant just take anyone to be that missing puzzle. I need to wait patiently, and improve myself while doing so. I need to face loneliness and learn how to be friends with it. I cannot let it affect my mood and how I treat people around me. There is so much more to learn and i am ready to put my heart out there to connect and learn from people.

?My love will come. Hopefully my next post would bring some good news. And hopefully it wouldnt be too long from now. (before im 30, i promise. ok wait maybe 40. ish)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Deciding point

A friend recently brought this up : What is life about? He had been quite demotivated in studying and couldnt see the point in pursuing his degree. We have come to a point where we make the all-important decision-where to pursue a degree? And this decision could change the course of our lives. One decision, one life. It is easy for people who have an ambition, to simply go for their dream occupations. For others, this part of their lives seem uncertain and insecure. It may seem unfair that this drastic decision would have an effect so extensive in a person's life, but looking from a different perspective, we ourselves have the power to decide, so why complain? I consider myself fortunate, for i have found my passion in healing. My strongest attribute is probably kindness. Although most of the people who know me would think me as an insensitive and happy-go-lucky person, everytime i care for an ill person, it feels as if i am morphed into someone else. Every non-sensical notion that i usually have wandering in my mind clears out, and all i want to is to offer care to alleviate the pain and suffering of the aforementioned person. OK, before this starts to sound like an essay for university admissions purpose, im going to leave that part. I cannot be grateful enough to be given the chance to do so in my dream university. For the first time, i can now discuss about my future, with little uncertainty and more anticipation.

To all of you out there, if you can follow your dreams, no matter how unpromising the outcome may seem now, i congratulate you and i wish you all the best.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Updates!

wow 6 months have gone by since my past post and my semester 1 of college has also passed me by. Semester exams have come and gone and technically, in and hour time , my holidays will end.

Let me tell u something about college, its hectic , but at the same time fun. Hectic beacuse college is typically 7-8 hours a day, and when u get back home, there are always homework and revisions waiting to be completed, in tandem with the worst enemy, fatigue. Seriously. its so hard not to sleep after college! so i usuallly end up telling myself, after a bath, i will have a 15 minutes rest, and im offf to work. well everything usually goes as planned other than the time being extended slightly to...3 hours. aha =/ that leads to sleeping late at night and waking up a panda the next morn.

but of course in the midst of it all, fun will always be around to alleviate the stress. Thanks to a bunch of hilarious and fun friends of mine.plus some whacky lecturers who brightens the lessons .well not always, but thankfully there are times.

im still loving sports and have been going on with futsal and basketball sessions. havent been playing badminton since god knows when. amount of body building has leveled off, and then declined. haha. i think ill just tone up and maintain. Ppl say too big not good! (excuse for the laziness! =p)

Im very happy to say that friendship with high school besties are still strong, tho at times things can come between us and cause estrangement, we stay strong and hopefully that goes on.

Tmrw is the start of an even more daunting semester. with tonnes of new stuff to master and at the same time intense revision of the old knowledge. So im planning to change my sleeping schedule! no more afternoon naps but rather earlier bedtime. and after college ill be staying back to finish up work in the library while waiting for parents to pick me up. can help parents save 10 bucks a day by not taking the blood-sucking cabs! in a month id have saved up 200+rm hehe. is that why ive gained the notorious title as a CHEAPO in class?! i dont like being called that but ive learned something, u cant always expect good comments so when the bad ones come accept and learn from it.

tried dancing by joining dance club, but apparently, dance genes not in me(yeah yeah blame it on parents!), plus lacking time for it! also had a short complicated relationship someone... well its a long story, but in a nutshell, im sorry.

Over the next 6 months i probably would have to make the biggest decision in 18 yrs of my life.(technically still 17 Grr) . ARCHITECTURE OR MEDICINE ?! currently its still 50 50. but i promise ill decide soon.

My goals: academically, my results were mediocre. not good enough but not bad. all my life ive never really been to the best , the cream of the cream. will that continue to elude me? ill put in more and ill see what comes out =p
socially i wana build stronger frienships with friends, new and old ones.
and physically, BELLY FATS LEAVE ME ALONE!

with this done, im all ready to face everything on my way, bring it on!

Updates!

Monday, January 4, 2010

Time to get down to business

OK. So pre-college holidays are coming to an end right. And i just wana say a few things before the whole thing begins. Why am i being so formal its my blog lol.

I think ive used up my holidays quite well. My room is so tidied up ud never figure its a guy's room. theres the study table section(to study of course) with all obsolete books gone. And the working out section with a yoga mat. and the sleeping area. erm, with a bed. yeah that was totally unecessary lol. got practically everything sprakling clean -air cond filters, 5 shoes, toilet and erm my cute dog. did all my shopping . everything u can think of. every single top, bottom inner and outer garment. did some bonding with cousins and maybe brother. hanged out BIG TIME with friends.we've watched every watchable movie on show, haha imagine that. exercised and worked out quite alot. results are not remarkable but i believe its better than naught. wanted to finish the songs i had been playing on piano but the condition of the piano really dampened the spirit like totally. especially the F# key where its used the most. And im on the way to getting a d-r-i-v-i-n-g license. its probably less than ordinary now to most ppl but i cant wait for it. updated my computer and phones. Loose phone earplugs problem which have irritated me since forever was solved ytd night. I plan to improve linguistically for the last week of the holidays. I am sure to do so because I HAVE JUST DELETED ALL OF THE ONLINE GAMES IN MY COMPUTER. its a total waste of time and im glad i have realised that.


sorry for the long paragraph to whoever is reading. A few promises i made to myself. no girlfriends. maybe some movie outings or dinner. but no relationships for the 1 and a half years of college. Too sick to go through the whole process again. I have experienced enough and the next time its gonna be a serious one when i find the right one. Follow chanyew's principle, get to know and understand the girl before falling into her blindly, uncontrollably. Follow the lesson everyday and do the homeworksm, no more last minute catching up and memorizing like crap. Control myself in class. well i can go quite crazy once im in the mood and go hyper, dont think i wana do that too often. Generally all of these is because i want to focus on A levels. Yes , one word says it all. focus. You guys know how important pre-u is and those who are doing it, focus. determination is another word. so.. there are 2. lol. time to get nerdy, but its all for the best. goodluck to those going on college and do well people. thats it from me now, tell ya when something huge happens in college. like when i lose the focus. it will be pretty ironic then when i read this post again lol. that will never happen. i guess. i hope. i pray LOL. ahh nothing like a long list of goals to set ur vision and your mind straight.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

In a total holiday mood!

Holidays never felt better! The feeling of total carefree is so amazing. I used to take it for granted, but after my recent test, i had been worrying and worrying and every night on the bed, i would think and worry bout studies and results and that feeling sucks. Needing not to worry about anything , that is actually a blessing, so dont take it for granted and appreciate every sec of it!

Lets see wad i have accomplished so far in the holidays, i started building my jelly-ish body and tho results arent distinct (yet) but im still building and trying to have the right diet.

Bonding! Family bonding in particular. During the exam days i would put on a stressed up face and give one word answers . like, um, ah , yes, no. felt the distance growing in those days. i talk to my mum and dad more and bully my sister more nowadays, dun worrry she likes me doing it. bro came back frm england today , got sumore bonding to do.

Bought cool undies, futsal shoes, shirts and will do some more shopping this hols. Shopping is fuuuuuunnnn but only if u buy stuff that u knw will do u good in the future.

Too many more achievements to mention ( i think HAHA). now time for goals for the rest of the hols. Drive in 2 months time, finish the story book i bought for rm5 in giant , organise the stuff in my room, organise my clothes, and erm get enough entertainment for the whole of next year so i wont slack not even abit next year. lol as if. and erm.. i cant think right now been deprived of sleep. goodnight yawnz ive gt a football match tmrw!

Video of the day - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arXMhMJbT0U
Song of the day - Save me(josh verdes)

Hope they'll make ur day wonderful homosapiens!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

How i started my holidays.

Well it started off pretty well after my last SPM paper. I was stripping (control yourself ladies) my way to the toilet to have a quick bath after reaching home. I thought that i had done pretty well in the last paper and that just added to the joy. The hard part that time was to decide which one of my many many post-spm plans should be done first.

Then there came that call from mum, ordering me to pack up all my stuff and be ready in 15 minutes. We were going to have a 3 days 2 nights stay at my grandfather's place. He had passed away the day before. She came home 45 minutes later, pretty much expected though.

On the way there, the initial joy had vanished and all i could think of was 'what a way to start my hols' .it was mostly tears there but none from me. I only lamented on how my knees were turning purple from all the kneeling. At time we had to kneel,bow, and get up and repeat the process for 30 minutes which seemed like forever.

My grandad and i hardly shared any fond memories. To me, he was always cold and fierce. But this morning when we were paying our last respects, a flashback struck me. It was my grandad putting his hand on my head while praising me for being a good boy. Now he is.. gone. My eyes turned warm and moist. Sadness was within me since then until now.

Right now, i dont have the holiday mood nomore. As if this break meant nothing at all. Its a mixture of feelings and i got lost between them. Therefore the blog is revived. ( lol it was dead after the first posts) to seek hope and to express my feelings. Hopefully things will be going up the curve from here.

I am sorry if i didnt show more love and affection to you, rest in peace, without worries, gong gong.