Young adulthood

My blog still exists! wow! The last time i posted something on this blog was 4 years ago. It's funny how subjective time can seem to pass. For me, my high school days seemed that it had lasted for a very long time, with every piece of memory so significant and precious. Those 5 years felt like.. well 5 years. But looking back at my previous 4 years in university, time seemed to shrink, with days passing by in a routinely quick way, and sometimes when i tell people my age, a voice in my head will always say : wait what? Im that old already? I obviously wouldnt say it out loud because its something that irritates older people, and they would go all like : come on young man, youre only 23! I guess what im trying to say is that by the way things are going, i would spend my youth not doing things i would have wanted to when im 40.

 We keep on saying that. We keep on saying that there are "things" that you would regret not doing in your 20's, only to look back much later with regret. But what are those "things"? Vacations? Meeintg new people? Family? Love? Friendship? Knowledge? Skills? Degree? Achievements? What is it that i should do, in order to not waste my youth? I think this is a question a lot of young adults are facing, searching in the dark, inexperienced, trying to find meaning while being preoccupied with their occupation. For some, being good in their jobs can give them meaning. That they are competent, and they are making enough, hence being successful. But zoom out a little, and you'll find yourself questioning yourself whether we are really spending our time doing things we really want to do in life. I guess its always hard. Society wants us to be productive, to be part of a company, a firm, a hospital. To make ourselves useful if you dont want to starve. This naturally becomes the goal of our everyday routine. Motivation comes from reward, and in this case our motivation to work comes from being able to make enough so that we can live through everyday knowing that we will be well fed today, tomorrow, and days to come. But again, what is it that we really want? Can we find the meaning behind all of this, and work our way for that purpose simultaneously while pursuing our careers? That is the question.

 Maybe I havent been able to find that answer because I am lacking a specific aspect in my life. ?Love. oh yeah, the all so cliche 4 letter word. But indeed, having a partner and striving together with him/her could be such a drive. It gives purpose, everything makes sense. Its the missing puzzle, the key to the mystery. But I sometimes wonder. Is love really necessary in a person's life? Why is someone who spends their time alone (or with dogs and cats) viewed to be abnormal? I say this because its ridiculous to say that every couple who decides to wed are in love. Surely some or not! They just WANT to get married, to have someone because its about time they do so! Its the fear of spending their lives alone, of not having children to take care of them when theyre old. (yeap i am generalizing but you get my point) So instead of following the norm, what is so wrong with going with the flow, to not get married if you havent found someone you love? Or are we humans so emotionally weak that we cannot manage living a solitary life?

 I digress. This post was supposed to be talking about what i found out about love and being in a relationship. I have dated some and they have all ended. The recent breakup was with a girl who was quite a wife material. Funny, kind, caring, compromising(at times), pretty, hot, and all that. But eventually I found fault with a certain aspect of her which i didnt quite like, and didnt think i could put up with in the long run. Hence things ended. However, looking back, a part of me couldnt help but think whether its all an excuse? An excuse i use to cover up the fact that i just couldnt love someone. ?I am incapable of love. It has always been about me. I get a girlfriend. I got her. I am going to be his boyfriend. I will try to spend time with her this Friday. She's mad at me. She wants this from me. I have to do this and that to make her happy. She is wanting too much from me. I dont think i can handle this anymore. You see the problem? She is like an asset, a belonging, a new person that is going to make my life (and hers) happy. I have always put in effort in every relationship. But what I havent been doing is to try to be emotionally connected to that person. To think of us as one. One unit that will try to create a future together. Instead, she is just someone who is there to hang out with, to eat with, to watch movies together. She is the the puzzle piece that I think I HAVE to squeeze in my life just because having a puzzle with a missing piece would seem incomplete. I want to learn to love someone. But for now, im telling myself that i cant just take anyone to be that missing puzzle. I need to wait patiently, and improve myself while doing so. I need to face loneliness and learn how to be friends with it. I cannot let it affect my mood and how I treat people around me. There is so much more to learn and i am ready to put my heart out there to connect and learn from people.

?My love will come. Hopefully my next post would bring some good news. And hopefully it wouldnt be too long from now. (before im 30, i promise. ok wait maybe 40. ish)